Oh blah dee Oh blah daa life goes on.....

ooooooh la la la la life goes on. (Sorry I had to.)

Anyway, I came here for serious reasons and I now I have that song stuck in my head. So I guess I'll get a few other things out of my head so I can concentrate on why I'm here at all.
I hate ants. They are evil. They have devoured my kitchen. I believe there are ants in hell....it's part of the package.
I hate it when there are people missing from a party, especially if they have implied they are coming.... now I am left with party favors and balloons I don't know what to do with. ugh. (however my sisters shower was still pretty sweeeeeet. hehe)
I hate a messy house, and mine is half messy....really. The kitchen (besides the ants), the bathroom, the living room, and dining area (so not a room) is clean..... however all the bedrooms and our bathroom are a mess. blah. And you may be asking "how do you have ants if your kitchen is clean?" I have no idea. They are coming from UNDER the fridge. Great. Guess what I'll be doing tomorrow. Last night they were coming from under the stove so I pulled that out and vacuumed and mopped the floor under the stove. That was fun. *SNIDE*
Did I mention I hate ants??

Okay I think that was everything that is grating on me at the moment.

======

So I made a call on, ummm.... Thursday I think? to my OB and told her that I basically lied on Monday at my 6 week check up. I am slightly depressed, but not in a horribly negative way. I know, that sounds stupid. I think it's more anxiety than anything. Sometimes uncontrollable anxiety. Sometimes edginess (shaking, jitters). Sometimes downright SADNESS for no reason at all. I KNOW it's the hormones, what else would it be?I have just been fighting this. I told her it's not like it was when I was pg with Owen....that was pure evil anger. This is just SAD. Really. I was crying on the stinking phone talking to her about it b/c I was mad that I lied and didn't just take care of this on Monday. Before I talked to her I did some research online about antidepressants while nursing. EVERYTHING said "the benefits of nursing and the mother's wellbeing far outweigh the risks to the baby" and I just don't think I buy that load. I can't wrap my brain around ANY reason to subject my baby to drugs that will have some not so great effects on him. The one she wants to put me on she said is recommended for nursing b/c it ONLY will cause sleepiness, less frequent nursing, and weight loss in my baby. ONLY. Oh well in THAT case where do I sign up to make my baby stop eating, start sleeping, and lose weight?!?! He's looking a bit chunky, it's time to put him on a CELEXA diet. ugh. I just cannot justify it in my brain right now. It breaks my heart. :( I told her all of my worries and how I would feel horrible guilt for any side effects to him. She suggested I talk to their counselor about it and together (all three of us) can determine if that is a good option for me or not. I'm not sure. I just wish I could do this on my own.
Funny thing is though.... that yesterday and today I actually got my butt up and DID stuff.... like showered and was busy all day long.....and I feel pretty good. I'm tired, but I'm not weepy and I'm not edgy. BUT, yesterday I didn't have any of the kids with me all day (shower prepping) and today was a whirlwind that ended with a big party. My appt with the counselor is on Thursday and with my doctor on Friday. My goal this week is to try to get up and get ready for the day and be busy everyday....whether it's busy at home, or elsewhere, but just be DOING something instead of sitting on my arse. I need to have a goal for the day. I am hoping that that will make a difference. I don't know. I could just be kidding myself.
I do know that at the end of the day the yucky feelings, the "not right with myself" feelings are still lingering there. I hate hormones.

The counselor I have seen off and on for 2 years now and just got done seeing again (Jake and I just went a few times together) was telling me that I have my feelings of worth wrapped up in how well I keep my house clean, how good of a wife/mom/daughter/friend I am.... and that that's not right. I don't agree.I was kind of frustrated the last time I talked to her b/c she thinks that I need to let everything go and not worry about it. Easier said than done. And so what if my feelings of worth ARE wrapped up in those things.....those are the things I want to be good at. The things I WANT to do well in my life. I may have grown up saying I wanted to DO something "when I was all grown up" but always in my mind I had a picture of what I wanted to BE. And a (semi) perfect SAHM was always what I pictured. Am I holding myself up to a standard that is too high? Is what I always pictured unattainable? Unattainable w/o drugs to keep me "level?" I don't know. I don't have the answers I want and need right now and that is frustrating to me.

It's funny b/c I just finished reading this book called "When Joy came to stay" by Karen Kingsbury and it's about a women who is severly depressed b/c she gave up a baby years ago before she was married and never told her husband about it. Now granted, I can't relate to that situation, but I could relate to her feelings of hopelessness and the overwhelming feeling that the world was sitting on your chest....not your shoulders, your chest. Anyway, in the book she said she thought that "good christians" didn't need a PILL to make them better. Then the person she was talking to said "some people think that these PILLS are God's answer to prayer, to help you out of the fog." I started thinking about that......and I'm still not sure where I stand. I'm kind of on the fence about that right now. It's just funny how I read that book this week while I was coming to terms with a lot of my own stuff. Actually I finished it this week, I've been reading it for a few.

The deciding factor for me in ADMITTING that I don't feel right was the not moving. I kept holding out hope that I would be fine after we moved. My mom kept saying "after you move it will only get worse b/c you won't be around family to help you out." True. But also not true. It is stressful to be around family too. Not that I don't love them, but it just is....for a lot of reasons, good and bad. Plus, and I know this sounds selfish, but Jake and I grew to love our time in MO "alone." Granted it was hard sometimes and we missed our family. I was just hoping that things would change and be easier once Jake was working his regular job again and actually had TIME to spend with us. When that hope of moving was taken away from me this week I was more upset about the thought that now I would stay in this "fog" longer. THEN I realized that this fog won't lift just from a move, and even it did, that wasn't going to happen anytime soon and I needed to take care of it. That is when I knew I had to call my doctor. I really felt like I saw no end in sight of this and it was overwhelming for me. My friend Sabrina from Link Group told me today that she was worried about me b/c the last time she saw me she was concerned that I just didn't look right. She was right in her assumption. It was one of "those" nights and I just couldn't put a fake smile on my face to save my life.

I am good at faking it most of the time, really. I've become really good at it actually. Tammy wrote a blog yesterday that caused me to think about this a little bit(I would link you to it but I don't know how to do that yet...I know, LAME). I need to stop faking it.....the problem is that I kind of do get a boost out of "going through the happiness motions." Kind of the "Fake it till ya make it" philosophy. It does work to a degree.... but as soon as you walk away from that situation where you're faking it, you crash even harder....b/c you know.

Sooo, my goal this week is to give some sort of structure to my day and see if that helps me remain focused and not let my mind wander. I don't know what to do when the edginess and jitters pop up (and NO I don't have a daily caffeine intake.... the most I will maybe have is one cup of coffee 2-3 days a week....and believe it or not, the coffee calms me more than anything.) My friend Mary told me that when I get the overwhelming feelings of sadness I need to just stop and PRAY. That is my other goal.

*YAWN* This was a looooong post. Sorry. ;-)

Quotable Quotes

I was on this financial website today and it had an article with these quotes. Somehow they pertained to finances, I guess I should have read the paragraphs after them? ;-)
Anyway, I found these to be good quotes worth saving. :D



When you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it--this is knowledge.--Confucius

He that is overcautious will accomplish little.--Friedrich von Schiller

It is the part of a wise man to keep himself today for tomorrow and not to venture all his eggs in one basket.--Miguel de Cervantes

For age and want, save while you may; no morning sun lasts a whole day.--Benjamin Franklin

It never was my thinking that made the big money for me. It was always my sitting. Got that? My sitting tight!--Edwin Lefevre

Fashion is made to become unfashionable.--Coco Chanel

The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.--St. Augustine

There is nothing new in the world except the history you do not know.--Harry Truman

It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan. --Eleanor Roosevelt

As life closes in on someone who has borrowed far too much money on the strength of far too little income, there are no fire escapes. --John Kenneth Galbraith

In every house of marriage there's room for an interpreter.--Stanley Kunitz

Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. --Pablo Picasso

The time is always right to do the right thing.--Martin Luther King Jr.

A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart. --Jonathan Swift

I've been tagged!

My friend Cheryl (http://www.cdntransplant1997.wordpress.com/) tagged me on her blog so here goes.......

Okay here are the rules:
1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.
2. Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.
3. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.
4. At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

N- Nice....to a fault. I definately fall into the "people pleaser" category.
I- Inconsistant. I am very much a "bouncing off the walls" kind of person. A bit scattered. ;o)
C- Caring. I truly care and worry about EVERYONE I know.
O- Overweight....ah ha ha!!! I just had a baby, of course I am! (I really couldn't think of anything else here. heehee)
L- Loyal. If I consider you a good friend then you are a friend for life.
E- Extrovert. Totally. I NEED to be around people for me to feel "right" and like myself. Otherwise I get a bit depressed.

Okay there ya go. Not sure those are so special or interesting, but there it is!
Okay I will tag....
TERESA
LANITA
TONI
KACIE
MARY
MARCIA

There ya go! ENJOY! heehee

Sooooo Angryyyyy

12:08 AM - Soooooooo Angryyyyyyyyyy Current mood: disappointed
Jake just called. He had a conference call this morning. We thought it would be good news. It's not.
We aren't moving anytime soon. Since February they have been telling us we are moving. At first it was July, then it was Septemeber, then it was December, then it was back to October, then it was "any day now," and now today they tell us if we're LUCKY we'll get orders MAYBE in November and then not move until sometime between February and April....if we're lucky. I'm thinking we're not.
I am so angry right now. I want to scream and puke and cry and pull my hair out all at the same time. My gut reaction was "WHY GOD would you do this? We have prayed and prayed about moving and asking you to move where it would be best for us and then you go and keep us here. WHY?!" and then I realized that maybe He is keeping us here for a reason, a reason I can't possibly understand or imagine right now. I know I shouldn't be angry, but I am. I know I should trust God that this is right for us right now, and while I do, I just don't understand it. God knows how hard this has been for us, how hard it's been on our marriage, and yet here we stay. Please God let me see the bigger picture here and be okay with this.
"I know it is right in the sight of my God but my heart is dying to differ"
I wrote that in a poem FOREVER ago, in highschool sometime. I never thougt it would apply now.
This has to be okay. I have to get a grip and realize we are not leaving anytime soon and just move on. I feel like I need a mourning period or something. :P

The Rundown......

Saturday night we went to the races with Mom. We took Dylan and Aidan and left Owen with my grandma. Mom is bringing McKenna too. Mom picked up ear muffler looking things for the kids to wear so the noise doesn't hurt them. It was too loud for me at some points, not all, but enough so that I don't want the boys to not be protected. The races were sort of stressful for me b/c the kids would NOT sit down. I think I watched MAYBE 5 minutes COMBINED time of the races. The last straw for me was Aidan throwing a screaming fit and Dylan knocking his soda all over the kid in front of us. Talk about embarrassing. So I packed up me and Aidan I left. Aidan and I had gone out after Mom and Jake and Dylan and Kenna..... that way I could leave early to get back to Owen. Good thing too b/c Mom and Jake and the kids didn't get back until almost 11!!!!
Needless to say we skipped church so the kids could sleep in from such a LATE night. Sunday morning we got up and Jake started doing some yardwork. I called mom to see if the boys could go over there for the morning/afternoon while we cracked out some yard work. We got almost all that I wanted done DONE, there will be some tidy up stuff to do on Friday or Saturday before the shower, but pretty much the big stuff got done. :D
Then I had to take Owen to the Dr. so they could make him POOP. He still had not really gone...he went Saturday but just a teeny bit. I called Sunday and they wanted me to bring him in, so I did. They did some "stuff" to him and gave him a suppository (I had given him one saturday too) and sent us home. When we got home he finally had a BLOWOUT. I got him cleaned up and then we went to our Link Group BBQ at David and Sabrina's. We stayed there for a while but I was so dang tired I was practically falling asleep on the deck...I felt like I was anyway. Hopefully no one noticed! LOL
Yesterday I had my 6 week OB check-up.... that went good. She talked to me about antidepressants but I said I didn't want to do that just yet, to which she said "I knew you'd say that" hehe I just want to wait it out and see what happens. I'll know if I'm getting worse or even just not getting better. I really think it's just baby blues....After that I went shopping for more baby shower stuff. I can't say here in case Kacie reads this, but it is going to be SO CUTE! I am very excited to do this. :D I have a TON to do though before Saturday. UGH...not sure how I will get it all done. My mom is going to come help with some stuff....but right now it all just seems like a lot...and I am totally that person that does not ask for help b/c really, I don't want it (unless it's my mom) b/c I just like things done a certain way. ;o)
Oh yeah, Owen slept 5.5 hours Sunday night!! That is the most sleep I've gotten since before I had him! I felt like a new woman!!! LOL I swear it was because he finally pooped, b/c he hasn't pooped since then and now he is fussy again. Anyway, since I had gotten SO MUCH sleep that night I was totally in the mood to clean and stuff yesterday so last night I got a lot of cleaning done and I even made dinner! yeah, sounds small, but lately for me, that was a big deal. LOL However, you'd never know I cleaned by looking at it today. :( I was just telling my grandma this morning while she was here for a while that that is the ONE thing I HATE about being home all day....the messes. YOu have to constantly be cleaning to keep on top of it.....especially with three kids. Three kids and a husband who forgets to clean up the dinner mess so I am left with it in the morning. Niiiiiiiiiiiiice.
Today is a low key day again.I was beat when I got up this morning. I stayed up too late IM'ing with Marcia last night and I didn't get to sleep until 1. Then Owen woke up at 4:30, back to bed at 5:20, woke up again at 7:30 and then that was that. I tried to snooze on the couch for a while this morning and succeeded until Owen started getting fussy. Dylan was just playing in the living room and cuddling with me off and on until he got hungry. Aidan didn't wake up after 10!!!! OMG!!! I love that that kids sleeps in so late! I wish Dylan would do that. Dylan is up at the crack up dawn, always. He is getting good about sneaking into our bed so I don't even hear him. When I woke up at 7:30 he was there!
Mom is coming over later maybe to help me make some shower stuff but other than that, nothing much today. I just want to sleep. ALL of the kids are asleep right now...granted Owen is on my chest even right now, but at least they are all asleep. I hear the couch calling my name.....................

Catch-Up

*YAWN* Will this kid EVER sleep more? I am feeling at my wits end. I told Jake this morning that I am not sure how much more of this NOT sleeping I can handle. I have resorted to drinking coffe with just half and half.... SO NOT ME. It's helped keep my eyes open, but that's about it.
It's so nice outside today. I have been LOVING this summer. I absolutely hate HOT HOT HOT weather, so this year has been nice for me. I wish the boys would go outside today, but they don't want to, and I am too tired to round them up to take them to the park. Dylan has been watching his Nick Jr. videos this morning. I am too tired to protest.
The other day we went to my friend Angela's grandparents house for the afternoon. They have a big in-ground pool and Angela has a friend visiting from Germany named Nina. Nina takes GREAT pictures and she took a ton of the boys. They are sooooo good. I love them. Ange dropped them off yesterday morning when she was walking her dog and now I am trying to download them to an album. The boys had so much fun! Dylan mostly swam in the pool with Angela...Aidan was a bit apprehensive about it. I loved watching them though yesterday. They were having a blast! I was nervous though the whole time, even though I enjoyed hanging out and visiting. Angela and I MAYBE get together twice a year to visit so this was nice. I was nervous b/c of the pool (no fence around it) and b/c of the fish pond. Aidan was loving the pond and kept getting too close to it and he kept RUNNING towards the pool. Dylan ran by the pool once and I about lost my breath. They aren't used to being around a pool like that so they didn't understand why we kept jumping on them about it. At one point at the pond, Dylan teetered and I thought I would have a heart attack. While it is nice to visit and play around a pool, I am so glad we don't have one b/c I would be on pins and needles all the time. Overall it was a great afternoon though. I am so glad we got to spend time up there with them and visit. Angela's grandparents were home too and her mom and one of her brothers came up. They were like a second family to me growing up so it was so nice to catch up. :D
I just got off the phone with the nurse at the Ped's office and they want me to give Owen a suppository! OMG! =O This should be fun. He hasn't pooped in 2 weeks now. :( I just realized that this morning. I knew he hadn't pooped in a while but I didn't realize until today that it's been two weeks already. :( Poor little fella.
I was supposed to go shopping with Mom yesterday for baby shower stuff but I decided to stay home instead and do NOTHING and not feel guilty about it. Trying not to feel guilty about it. I mean NOTHING too. I did not cleaning or anything. I just wanted to veg. Last night we went to the PHIL WICKHAM concert at church. It was a cool concert and I really liked the guy that sang before him. Jake liked him too. The girl that sang before him had such a pretty voice too. She was cute. Kacie said she was younger than us too....that surprised me. After the concert I signed up for this thing called "MOCHA CLUB"..... basically another one of those deals where you send money to this organization to help orphans in other countries. What got me was the story this guy told about.....that the number one cause of death for orphans in this one country (don't remember which one) isn't disease or starvation, it's being eaten alive by hyennas b/c they have to sleep outside b/c the orphanage isn't big enough. UGH. I was instantly sick and started crying thinking about my babies. I told Jake "we are signing up, end of discussion." LOL You got to name your own "team" too (not sure why yet, I guess I'll figure it out later) and I named it DAO. :P I thought that was appropriate. Dylan, Aidan, Owen. :) Anyway.....
I was excited to get out without ANY of the kids for a while. I needed a break. :( It's funny b/c I feel like I need a break, but I LOVE doing nothing with them and just watching them be funny. I just love to LOOK at them. :) Even when we're all grumpy.
Dylan was sitting with me on the couch while I fed Owen and he was watching Ruby and Max, a cartoon about bunnies and they were dressing Max up like a baby and Dylan said "we don't have any babies HERE!" and I said "oh really, what is Owen?" and he said "Owen is a FAT baby!" AH HA HA HA!! heehee I couldn't stop laughing.
Tonight we are going to the races with Mom. We're taking Dylan and Aidan and leaving Owen with my grandma. I think the boys will like it. Mom is bringing McKenna too. Mom picked up ear muffler looking things for the kids to wear so the noise doesn't hurt them. It was too loud for me at some points, not all, but enough so that I don't want the boys to not be protected.
Tomorrow we are HOPEFULLY going to stop by Jake's grandparents anniversary dinner and visit for a few and then head to our Link Group BBQ. They happen to be within a half hour of eachother and we've been planning the BBQ for over a week and we didn't find out about the anniversary dinner until YESTERDAY! Sooo... let's hope the boys' nap times don't run over or we will have to skip that altogether. I hate last minute notices. Throws the whole day off.
Other than that we NEED to find some time to squeek in some yard cleanup. I have got to get down to business this week for the baby shower. I still have a ton to do. TAMMY:IF YOU'RE READING THIS....ARE YOU AND KASS COMING?? Anyway, that is all we have planned for our "exciting" weekend. :P Not much. Now I need to go put away about 5 loads of folded laundry. blech.

Here is a picture of Owen in the outfit from today...only 6 weeks after the first time he wore it (pic of that in post below).

My baby has out grown an outfit!!! :(

My baby has out grown an outfit already!!!! Current mood: nostalgic
Oh my goodness! My baby has already outgrown an outfit....and it happens to be my FAVORITE outfit on him! It's the one I put him in for his appearance on the news ("Baby Talk") which btw, airs on September 11 at 5:30. I can't believe it. :( I put it on him today and I could BARELY snap the snaps between his legs and it fits him snugly now. He will wear it today but then that's it. :( I'll have to box it up. And he's only worn it MAYBE four times. *sniff* I really didn't think he was that much bigger. I hate when they outgrow clothes so fast. :(
Here is a picture of him in it the first time he wore it. :)

FLUFF!

Cutest PG gal ever!

Okay so one picture is a bit blurry, but the bump is hard to miss! ;o) WHY was I never this cute pg?? I mean, we have the same parents so you'd think we could do SOMETHING alike.... goodness knows we don't LOOK alike! HA! No really, she is too cute pg...she can even still wear a two piece and get away with it! No stretch marks OR flabby arms, and she still has legs to boot! :P She is due any day now.... her EDD isn't until th 12th of September, but she has already made quite a bit of progress!

Just had to post this cute pic of her! :D