Oh blah dee Oh blah daa life goes on.....

ooooooh la la la la life goes on. (Sorry I had to.)

Anyway, I came here for serious reasons and I now I have that song stuck in my head. So I guess I'll get a few other things out of my head so I can concentrate on why I'm here at all.
I hate ants. They are evil. They have devoured my kitchen. I believe there are ants in hell....it's part of the package.
I hate it when there are people missing from a party, especially if they have implied they are coming.... now I am left with party favors and balloons I don't know what to do with. ugh. (however my sisters shower was still pretty sweeeeeet. hehe)
I hate a messy house, and mine is half messy....really. The kitchen (besides the ants), the bathroom, the living room, and dining area (so not a room) is clean..... however all the bedrooms and our bathroom are a mess. blah. And you may be asking "how do you have ants if your kitchen is clean?" I have no idea. They are coming from UNDER the fridge. Great. Guess what I'll be doing tomorrow. Last night they were coming from under the stove so I pulled that out and vacuumed and mopped the floor under the stove. That was fun. *SNIDE*
Did I mention I hate ants??

Okay I think that was everything that is grating on me at the moment.

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So I made a call on, ummm.... Thursday I think? to my OB and told her that I basically lied on Monday at my 6 week check up. I am slightly depressed, but not in a horribly negative way. I know, that sounds stupid. I think it's more anxiety than anything. Sometimes uncontrollable anxiety. Sometimes edginess (shaking, jitters). Sometimes downright SADNESS for no reason at all. I KNOW it's the hormones, what else would it be?I have just been fighting this. I told her it's not like it was when I was pg with Owen....that was pure evil anger. This is just SAD. Really. I was crying on the stinking phone talking to her about it b/c I was mad that I lied and didn't just take care of this on Monday. Before I talked to her I did some research online about antidepressants while nursing. EVERYTHING said "the benefits of nursing and the mother's wellbeing far outweigh the risks to the baby" and I just don't think I buy that load. I can't wrap my brain around ANY reason to subject my baby to drugs that will have some not so great effects on him. The one she wants to put me on she said is recommended for nursing b/c it ONLY will cause sleepiness, less frequent nursing, and weight loss in my baby. ONLY. Oh well in THAT case where do I sign up to make my baby stop eating, start sleeping, and lose weight?!?! He's looking a bit chunky, it's time to put him on a CELEXA diet. ugh. I just cannot justify it in my brain right now. It breaks my heart. :( I told her all of my worries and how I would feel horrible guilt for any side effects to him. She suggested I talk to their counselor about it and together (all three of us) can determine if that is a good option for me or not. I'm not sure. I just wish I could do this on my own.
Funny thing is though.... that yesterday and today I actually got my butt up and DID stuff.... like showered and was busy all day long.....and I feel pretty good. I'm tired, but I'm not weepy and I'm not edgy. BUT, yesterday I didn't have any of the kids with me all day (shower prepping) and today was a whirlwind that ended with a big party. My appt with the counselor is on Thursday and with my doctor on Friday. My goal this week is to try to get up and get ready for the day and be busy everyday....whether it's busy at home, or elsewhere, but just be DOING something instead of sitting on my arse. I need to have a goal for the day. I am hoping that that will make a difference. I don't know. I could just be kidding myself.
I do know that at the end of the day the yucky feelings, the "not right with myself" feelings are still lingering there. I hate hormones.

The counselor I have seen off and on for 2 years now and just got done seeing again (Jake and I just went a few times together) was telling me that I have my feelings of worth wrapped up in how well I keep my house clean, how good of a wife/mom/daughter/friend I am.... and that that's not right. I don't agree.I was kind of frustrated the last time I talked to her b/c she thinks that I need to let everything go and not worry about it. Easier said than done. And so what if my feelings of worth ARE wrapped up in those things.....those are the things I want to be good at. The things I WANT to do well in my life. I may have grown up saying I wanted to DO something "when I was all grown up" but always in my mind I had a picture of what I wanted to BE. And a (semi) perfect SAHM was always what I pictured. Am I holding myself up to a standard that is too high? Is what I always pictured unattainable? Unattainable w/o drugs to keep me "level?" I don't know. I don't have the answers I want and need right now and that is frustrating to me.

It's funny b/c I just finished reading this book called "When Joy came to stay" by Karen Kingsbury and it's about a women who is severly depressed b/c she gave up a baby years ago before she was married and never told her husband about it. Now granted, I can't relate to that situation, but I could relate to her feelings of hopelessness and the overwhelming feeling that the world was sitting on your chest....not your shoulders, your chest. Anyway, in the book she said she thought that "good christians" didn't need a PILL to make them better. Then the person she was talking to said "some people think that these PILLS are God's answer to prayer, to help you out of the fog." I started thinking about that......and I'm still not sure where I stand. I'm kind of on the fence about that right now. It's just funny how I read that book this week while I was coming to terms with a lot of my own stuff. Actually I finished it this week, I've been reading it for a few.

The deciding factor for me in ADMITTING that I don't feel right was the not moving. I kept holding out hope that I would be fine after we moved. My mom kept saying "after you move it will only get worse b/c you won't be around family to help you out." True. But also not true. It is stressful to be around family too. Not that I don't love them, but it just is....for a lot of reasons, good and bad. Plus, and I know this sounds selfish, but Jake and I grew to love our time in MO "alone." Granted it was hard sometimes and we missed our family. I was just hoping that things would change and be easier once Jake was working his regular job again and actually had TIME to spend with us. When that hope of moving was taken away from me this week I was more upset about the thought that now I would stay in this "fog" longer. THEN I realized that this fog won't lift just from a move, and even it did, that wasn't going to happen anytime soon and I needed to take care of it. That is when I knew I had to call my doctor. I really felt like I saw no end in sight of this and it was overwhelming for me. My friend Sabrina from Link Group told me today that she was worried about me b/c the last time she saw me she was concerned that I just didn't look right. She was right in her assumption. It was one of "those" nights and I just couldn't put a fake smile on my face to save my life.

I am good at faking it most of the time, really. I've become really good at it actually. Tammy wrote a blog yesterday that caused me to think about this a little bit(I would link you to it but I don't know how to do that yet...I know, LAME). I need to stop faking it.....the problem is that I kind of do get a boost out of "going through the happiness motions." Kind of the "Fake it till ya make it" philosophy. It does work to a degree.... but as soon as you walk away from that situation where you're faking it, you crash even harder....b/c you know.

Sooo, my goal this week is to give some sort of structure to my day and see if that helps me remain focused and not let my mind wander. I don't know what to do when the edginess and jitters pop up (and NO I don't have a daily caffeine intake.... the most I will maybe have is one cup of coffee 2-3 days a week....and believe it or not, the coffee calms me more than anything.) My friend Mary told me that when I get the overwhelming feelings of sadness I need to just stop and PRAY. That is my other goal.

*YAWN* This was a looooong post. Sorry. ;-)