Yeah, that's me.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Processing (I'm real original with titles huh?)

So I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately (what's new huh?) and I think I have to reprioritize my life. God had been whispering in my ear for a while about scaling back. I ignored it. Then He started tapping me on the shoulder. I shrugged that off as well. I found it annoying actually. Have you ever had someone tap or poke you over and over and over again? It becomes annoying and painful. And that is what it has become. Painful. "God! You are becoming a pain in my shoulder!" I would find myself thinking. I chose to live with the pain and not do anything about it.

Now He is messing with my gut and my heart and my emotions. He is relentless I tell you! Relentless! I've had a pit in my stomach for over a week now. I've had this nagging feeling in my heart and I want to cry whenever I think about all that He is wanting me to think about right now...... B/c sometimes I do think about it. Sometimes I cave in and say "Okay God, you've got me. I'll start processing through this stuff asap" and then when I start, I get all weepy and sick feeling. So, I retreat. Where do I retreat?? Here. My computer. The internet. Other blogs. I am an avid blog reader. I may not always leave comments, but I read blogs (almost) all day every day. My grandma and my mother-in-law think this is the strangest thing a person could waste, er spend, their time doing. I compare it to people watching. I could sit and watch people for HOURS. I love it. Put me in the food court at the mall with something yummy to sip on (eating would be better actually!), and I'm golden. I would also prefer to wear sunglasses so no one would know I am STARING, but that would just look odd in the mall.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yes, retreating.

This worked for some time, until God started leading me to blogs that addressed this very issue!! What is WITH Him??? Seriously?! Can't a girl just run away w/o someone looking for her?? So, my new escape plan was turning out to be a problem. Topics that God had been trying to get me to think about for some time kept popping up in these blogs, it was very tricky now that I look back on it. What better way to get my attention. There was no way I WASN'T going to read, so LITERALLY all of a sudden I could see God everywhere. More specifically I could see what He had been trying to get me to see for all these weeks, you see? Have I lost anyone yet? ;-) It made me think. HARD. It made me cry. It, again, made me sick at my stomach.

I don't like change. I don't like admitting I've been wrong. I don't like admitting I am currently doing something wrong. I don't like relenting. I like being right. I like thinking that I am making the best choices possible. I like to be the one to point out errors, not be the one pointed at. This is all very embarrassing for me to admit, but in an attempt to be real and honest....there it all is. I say THAT b/c all of these blogs I have been reading have been very real and honest and in that they caused me to think. So for that I am grateful, and can now only ask the same of myself.

Some things I have sensed God calling me to do:

Pray. To pray for anyone and everyone I know, no matter what it is. You see, I tend to make a judgement for myself as to whether something really NEEDS prayer. Stupid and selfish. EVERYTHING needs prayer! HELLO!!!! Selfish b/c I think my motivation behind that is thinking "like I don't have enough to do already, I have to add one more thing to my list!" What's funny to me is that I have known this for weeks, possibly even months, that God was calling me to a serious life of prayer. Of course, I ignored it, and just here recently, He has CLEARLY brought about people for me to pray for. Before, I could just sense it on my heart to do it. I would do it with an "alright FINE" attitude. But recently, He has been ever so CLEAR. People have actually come to me and specifically ASKED. In order to come to me and ask me for prayer is not so easy. You have to specifically find me. I'm not some person you'll see around town, or walking down the street or even talk to on the phone all that often (unless you live in Wisconsin or Las Vegas! ha!). So the fact that I had people specifically asking was God saying to me, "I will get you. I will find you. I won't give up on you." So last night when my dear friend (who shall remain nameless at her request) asked me to pray for something in particular and said she only thought to ask me, I knew it was God speaking. I knew it. So, I relent. In fact, I was moved to NEAR know, when you get all choked up and think that if you don't hold your breath you may start bawling. That.

Live a better life. Now I know that encompasses A LOT. For me though, it's been very specific. Certain areas that are specific only to me and my life, I have felt God saying "this is not right. This needs to change. This needs to be better. YOU can be better." It would do me no good to clarify here, b/c quite honestly it would be too difficult. Mostly, it's just the way I live my life and the things I think.....that only God knows I think. It's funny..... having only God know what you really think. B/c you tend to keep things to yourself that you don't want to be called on. Things you don't want to be held accountable for. The funny part is that the only person it matters to is God and He is the only person who could possibly know even the things you are hiding. Now I understand if that last sentence was jumbled for some, it was for me too when I reread it. But I still know what I meant. ;-) Basically, my point is, you get "found out" anyway. God will take of you. And I don't mean "take of you" like make sure you have food and clothing and are healthy and all that jazz. I mean He will take care of your SINFUL nature. Like when the boys get in trouble I say "I'll take of you" and I march them back to their room for a stern disciplinary action (and no I'm not talking a spanking, although I am a firm believer in that). God has been "taking care of me" on a very personal level lately. *OUCH* It hurts me ego more than anything, which in the end is a good thing. ;-)

Be a better example. This sort of goes with the previous topic. Once I start living a better life, my example will just naturally follow. So this one is sort of a double whammy.

DO LESS. I think I blogged about this before. I have not been so good at meeting that goal. #$&$&^% RESOLUTIONS!!!! God keeps pressing on my heart to turn OFF the tv, to CLOSE my laptop, to UNPLUG my phone. Seriously. Unplug it. I have been ignoring Him obviously. And it is causing more pain than pleasure. Funny thing about ignoring God, it hurts. I can't tell you how many times I have seen in blogs that someone has taken a "blogging break" or fasted from something that was taking up too much time and energy and thought. It really got me thinking. Thinking, not doing. Yet. I think this one is the hardest of all of them actually.

Something else that has really come up a lot.....The Proverbs 31 woman. Ya know, I kind of have a love/hate feeling about her. While I really want to BE her, I don't feel like that is attainable for me. That is where the hate part comes in. *I use hate lightly* My honest to goodness true hearts desire is to strive to be that Woman, and I think *KNOW* that God knows that. I think that is where all these other things come into play. I can't attain Proverbs 31 with all these distractions and "less than" habits. Now that is JUST ME. That's not the case for everyone. Just me. And God knows me. I think that is where all His tweaking is coming from. ;-) "Be patient, God's not finished with me yet" I think this saying is fitting. ;-)

That's about all I want to delve into right now. "WHAT?! THERE'S MORE?!?" Yes, I am sorry so to say, there is more. I'll save it though. This is enough for now. Going to go chew my cud now.


Vevay said...

Keep up the good work.