Yeah, that's me.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Baby Blues????

Current mood: melancholy
I've not really blogged about anything much lately, besides the walmart weirdo.
I haven't felt like doing any blogging, or anything that involves talking about what is going on around here. Not much. It's the same 'ol same 'ol.....or as my sister-in-law hilariously put it in her blog "repeat, repeat again, repeat until I die" which made me laugh hysterically, b/c that is exactly how I've felt. UGH. Booooooooriiiiiiing.
Mostly the days consist of nursing every two hours AROUND the clock, changing a million and one diapers, making at least 10 meals a day (3/breakfast, 3/lunch, 4/dinner) and meanwhile trying to keep on top of Dylan and Aidan, the house, making sure naps are taken (at the same time preferrably), oh yeah....and getting a shower in there somewhere!
I have felt sad and "down" lately too which doesn't help matters much. I don't know if it's the classic case of "baby blues" or WHAT, but I haven't felt right. I was talking to Jake about it the other day and I told him I can FEEL it coming on, just like I did when I was PG with Owen.... I KNOW something is off but I don't know what to do about it. I'm definately not in the same place I was when I was PG with Owen..... this time I don't hate my kids and husband. This time I am just sad and tired. Tears always feel at the forefront all day and I don't know why. I hate that I know something is's like I'm waiting. Waiting for it to either get worse or better. I don't want to jump the gun and call my dr about it b/c I am hoping it's just the baby blues and will pass. It passed when I was PG. I told Jake I would rather be oblivious to anything feeling wrong, b/c then I wouldn't be anticipating anything..... now I'm actually not sure which is worse.
I haven't really been doing my normal things either and I know that doesn't help. I'm barely sleeping, I'm not talking to my friends like I did before. Toni and I used to talk everyday and Lanita and I were talking several times a week for a few hours at a time and that was just part of my daily/weekly activities that I relied on. Now I don't feel like talking to anyone most days. I feel stuck. That makes me nervous. I need to snap out of this.
I feel like I miss people too. I got an email from my friend Missy and I wanted to cry reading it. It's funny, I miss my close friends that I haven't see in years, but I also don't feel like doing anything with anyone, besides family. With my family I don't have to be "up" like normal.
I think I am just tired and stressed out with everything....all the changes, all the impending changes (btw, STILL no word on moving yet), and how I feel overhwhelmed by it all. At counseling last week with Jake, our counselor told me that my biggest problem is struggling with perfection. I freak out and beat myself up b/c things aren't perfect. I also freak out and beat OTHERS up (Jake/boys) when they don't do something perfectly. WONDERFUL. Tell me something I don't know.... I know. I knew that already, but I needed someone to tell me flat out. HA...reading back through that part makes it sound like I keep everything perfect....and I DON'T at all. That is why I am so overwhelmed and stressed out b/c I am not happy until it is.
Okay I have gotten off topic (what was my topic???) and I just went head first into an annoying rant. Sorry readers.
So there is my blog for now. Who knows when I will get a chance to post another one???


Cheryl said...

Hmmm... some of this sounds familiar as in yup, I see our feelings and days are similar. I was suspecting baby blue awhile ago from one of your blogs and why I asked you how you are doing. Why are you afraid to talk to your doctor? Just wondering. I think I've moved away from the crying thing but if you aren't feeling right perhaps calling your doc could be a ood thing. Just a thought...

bran said...

When I was pg with Owen I got really depressed, to the point of actually feeling hate towards Jake and the boys, and they put me on zoloft, but it made me sick so I didn't continue it and I never got on anything else b/c I came out of the depression after my first trimester. I am hoping that this is a hormonal thing as well and will lift on it's own once my body levels out....which is why I want to wait and see. I really don't want to go on anything unless I absolutely have to....y/k? I just don't want to be on them the rest of my life if this is just a temporary thing.

How about you?? This go on with you too?? Totally sucks. :(

Tam said...

Hey sweetness! I suffered, and I mean SUFFERED, with post partum depression bad after both kids. Worse with Kass! Tomlinson had me stop breast feeding and put me on birth control to level out my hormones. The best thing someone told me was "This is "physical" not "mental" Huge for me to hear that. I thought I was going out of my mind. Like you, I felt when "it" was coming on. I knew I couldn't escape it and once it did hit I thought it would never go away. A despairing black hole I would have to live in. But Bran...IT GOES AWAY!!! I didn't want to be around people either - I was mostly ashamed. But it's the best thing you can do....never be alone. and when something is coming on - let whomever you're with know - let them help you through it! Pray -Pray- Pray! I will do absolutely anything you need to me to do question! love you so much! I am so proud of you!!! Thank yo for sharing!

Bran said...

ooooh, he had you STOP breastfeeding??? HUH....there's BC you can take while BF'ing. Maybe they didn't have it then?? Not that it was even that long ago.
I know it's physical. I think that due to everything that happened with Kacie a while back has left me with a hightened sensitivity to it, b/c I know that with my families history I have an even greater chance of falling into a deep depresion, so I feel like I am constantly watching for it. Dr. King said it is rare for a PG woman to realize what is happening (when it is as bad as it was for me) so it was good that I was that aware of it. It's like that again. I am very aware of what is happening, and it's like you said too...."it" is coming on.
I know it will pass. Some days are worse than others. Today was a good day. It all just depends and really, knowing myself, a lot depends on my diet and sleep. It doesn't fix it, but it helps some. I haven't said anything to anyone but Jake yet. I am hesitating telling my mom what is going on b/c I know she will worry and hover, and I don't need her to do that just yet. ;-)
When you talked about feeling ashamed....that is EXACTLY how I felt when I was pg. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of how I was feeling. It was horrible. I thought someone would take my kids away if they knew how I was feeling then. My mind was all over the place.
This time it's more about just not wanting to put forth the effort to be pleasant and entertaining,y/k?

Anyway, way too long of a "comment" here. ;o) Thank you though. :) I appreciate knowing how others have struggled with it after/during kids. Man! They sure do take a toll on you! :) haha!

Cheryl said...

Dr. King was my dr. when I had Simone...I was in her office a week after I had Simone in a panic b/c of swollen feet...or so I thought. She asked me one question and I started bawling. I was so sleep deprived and Dr. King was so sweet. In fact she started to tear up herself. I felt so badly b/c Simone wouldn't sleep or eat properly. We had to get her weight checked every month. I felt like a failure b/c she wasn't gaining weight. I would get testy. Now, with Marcus I have less of the crying but more of the short tempered thing going on. But I do know that I won't feel like this forever...I hope...unless someone is driving and talking on their cell and I am driving behind....