Current mood: melancholy
I've not really blogged about anything much lately, besides the walmart weirdo.
I haven't felt like doing any blogging, or anything that involves talking about what is going on around here. Not much. It's the same 'ol same 'ol.....or as my sister-in-law hilariously put it in her blog "repeat, repeat again, repeat until I die" which made me laugh hysterically, b/c that is exactly how I've felt. UGH. Booooooooriiiiiiing.
Mostly the days consist of nursing every two hours AROUND the clock, changing a million and one diapers, making at least 10 meals a day (3/breakfast, 3/lunch, 4/dinner) and meanwhile trying to keep on top of Dylan and Aidan, the house, making sure naps are taken (at the same time preferrably), oh yeah....and getting a shower in there somewhere!
I have felt sad and "down" lately too which doesn't help matters much. I don't know if it's the classic case of "baby blues" or WHAT, but I haven't felt right. I was talking to Jake about it the other day and I told him I can FEEL it coming on, just like I did when I was PG with Owen.... I KNOW something is off but I don't know what to do about it. I'm definately not in the same place I was when I was PG with Owen..... this time I don't hate my kids and husband. This time I am just sad and tired. Tears always feel at the forefront all day and I don't know why. I hate that I know something is off....it's like I'm waiting. Waiting for it to either get worse or better. I don't want to jump the gun and call my dr about it b/c I am hoping it's just the baby blues and will pass. It passed when I was PG. I told Jake I would rather be oblivious to anything feeling wrong, b/c then I wouldn't be anticipating anything..... now I'm actually not sure which is worse.
I haven't really been doing my normal things either and I know that doesn't help. I'm barely sleeping, I'm not talking to my friends like I did before. Toni and I used to talk everyday and Lanita and I were talking several times a week for a few hours at a time and that was just part of my daily/weekly activities that I relied on. Now I don't feel like talking to anyone most days. I feel stuck. That makes me nervous. I need to snap out of this.
I feel like I miss people too. I got an email from my friend Missy and I wanted to cry reading it. It's funny, I miss my close friends that I haven't see in years, but I also don't feel like doing anything with anyone, besides family. With my family I don't have to be "up" like normal.
I think I am just tired and stressed out with everything....all the changes, all the impending changes (btw, STILL no word on moving yet), and how I feel overhwhelmed by it all. At counseling last week with Jake, our counselor told me that my biggest problem is struggling with perfection. I freak out and beat myself up b/c things aren't perfect. I also freak out and beat OTHERS up (Jake/boys) when they don't do something perfectly. WONDERFUL. Tell me something I don't know.... I know. I knew that already, but I needed someone to tell me flat out. HA...reading back through that part makes it sound like I keep everything perfect....and I DON'T at all. That is why I am so overwhelmed and stressed out b/c I am not happy until it is.
Okay I have gotten off topic (what was my topic???) and I just went head first into an annoying rant. Sorry readers.
So there is my blog for now. Who knows when I will get a chance to post another one???
Friday, August 10, 2007
Current mood: melancholy