Yeah, that's me.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Sooooo Angryyyyy

12:08 AM - Soooooooo Angryyyyyyyyyy Current mood: disappointed
Jake just called. He had a conference call this morning. We thought it would be good news. It's not.
We aren't moving anytime soon. Since February they have been telling us we are moving. At first it was July, then it was Septemeber, then it was December, then it was back to October, then it was "any day now," and now today they tell us if we're LUCKY we'll get orders MAYBE in November and then not move until sometime between February and April....if we're lucky. I'm thinking we're not.
I am so angry right now. I want to scream and puke and cry and pull my hair out all at the same time. My gut reaction was "WHY GOD would you do this? We have prayed and prayed about moving and asking you to move where it would be best for us and then you go and keep us here. WHY?!" and then I realized that maybe He is keeping us here for a reason, a reason I can't possibly understand or imagine right now. I know I shouldn't be angry, but I am. I know I should trust God that this is right for us right now, and while I do, I just don't understand it. God knows how hard this has been for us, how hard it's been on our marriage, and yet here we stay. Please God let me see the bigger picture here and be okay with this.
"I know it is right in the sight of my God but my heart is dying to differ"
I wrote that in a poem FOREVER ago, in highschool sometime. I never thougt it would apply now.
This has to be okay. I have to get a grip and realize we are not leaving anytime soon and just move on. I feel like I need a mourning period or something. :P


inWorship said...

Bran - I am sorry for the disappointing news. these things can be so frustrating, but I am glad you are choosing not to take it out on God. He has plans for you and He is gracious to not allow us ever to go or be somewhere we shouldn't.

I'll be praying for peace in the midst of it. These times allow us to see where our hopes have been placed and make sure that they are in tune with Him and His pleasure.

Love ya!

Tam said...

Wow - lots of things are jumping out at me here Bran...

You asked God to move you where it would be best. You just didn't know that, at lest for now, where you already are might still be "best"

You said this has been hard on your marriage. You know how the word says when we can be trusted with the little things then we will be given more. Maybe that applies here too. If you can get your marriage in a better place HERE (where you obviously are not happy and are struggling) then your marriage will withstand anything anywhere else. had no idea that AMAZING quote from your poem so many years ago would apply now - this current situation just might involve the same after effect way down the line somewhere.

Don't miss anything along the way Bran...I'm sorry you are disappointed. I wish it could've worked out perfect for you. But, selfishly, I'm glad I get to see you around more! I love your pretty face and infectious smile! The light you bring into a room. Your beautiful family!

Be blessed...I love you!

Bran said...

B- Thanks! The last part of what you said reminded me of a lesson Tom taught one day about "waiting for the Lord's return" not just SIT and be DOING something instead of nothing. That has actually been going through my head for about a week and then this happened and then your comment... I really have just been sitting and waiting on these orders. I have not done anything "progressie" around here b/c I was just waiting. I think I should not have been doing that. I was letting everything hinge on that, and now I see that that was pointless.

Peace in the midst of excellent thing to pray for! :D
Love you too! ;o)

Bran said...

T- yeah I never imagine that here would be "best" right now. That was one thing I thought after I got over the major anger... that obviously God feels here is best for now, I just don't understand why, and knowing God, I don't need to understand. ;o)

The part about our marriage... it's not that it's BAD neccessarily, it's just that b/c of this job we NEVER see eachother and he gets very little time with the boys. He will go through points in his job where he will leave before they get up and not get home until after they go to sleep. A normal day only gives him MAYBE 2 hours with them and that is filled with dinner, bath, and bedtime. No time to just play with them and just BE, y/k? Same for us. We did have a date night but since Owen we haven't been too regular about that. I think for us to make it this far with what this job has thrown at us is a miracle, I was just SO counting on going back to his old job so we could have more time as a couple/family. I'm just tired of never seeing him and when I do see him he's consumed with work. :(

The after effects of that poem from so long ago were very good. :D So that is hopeful to me when I see the way you put it. ;o) It's funny how things you wrote so long ago can jump out at you at times like this...I am sure you can identify, being a writer and all. This is not the first time something like that that I wrote a long time ago has jumped out at me.
Scripture works the same way, although I wish that would pop out at me more...which I know I have control over if I would just read more! ;o)

Okay, crying hungry baby = long comment over. ;o)

Love you! Thanks! :D

Bran said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cheryl said...

Oh wow! I am sorry that you have been disappointed. It is so hard to be a spouse of someone in the military. There is a big picture to all this.

Bran said...

Yes it is hard. But it's not like I didn't know what I was "signing up for" y/k? I just get frustrated sometimes.

I'm better about it today. In fact, rethinking things in my head since I know we're here a bit longer....stuff I should have been taking care of regardless but I just put it off. :)